Life

Biggest Fear

Hey Jess,

Thank you for sharing. That really is my biggest fear.The fear that forces all my anxieties and pain and shit to the surface, is that I have to break my “It’s fine It’s fine It’s all great!!!!!!!” exterior if I ever want to be honest.

I feel trapped between pretending I am Superwoman OR laying out my life’s story to rando’s because they asked how it it’s going… and I couln’t fine my plasticky fake smile to brush them off. It’s also what makes me feel so desperatly alone even when I have cheerleaders of my own. Because I know they would all leave and dissapear if they had to deal with the ugly painful hole that lives inside there ya know?

I’ve been struggling with this idea of self-love or self-care and I honestly can’t decide if I think it is hooey or not. I can fill countless journals of “positive thinking” or deconstruct my worries to rational and reasonable thoughts .. but I dont FEEL it. I FEEL like everyone who has left has a perfectly valid reason, that I wouldnt be around myself if I could help it. And I often try to get as far away from myself as possible.

I’ve never understood moderation. Whether it be love or loathing.. I only ever feel one or the other. and that goes for myself too. Most days I wake up devestated that the week is not further along, devestated that I will have to subject more people to my pathertic company, my lazy worthless self that refuses to even help herself with basic positive choices.

So thank you Jess! Today is a good day for this motto so I will try to apply it best I can.

“No on else’s opinion in the end matters if we are not feeling good with ourselves.”

noonegetsflowersforchronicpain

Biggest Fear

“My biggest fear is that someday you will see me as I see myself.” Anon

This quote almost brought tears to my eyes because it truly can relate to most people I have encountered in my lifetime: chronic pain or no chronic pain. The second I read it I felt something hard in my gut and knew I had to write. People look at me and I’m the pretty girl who works out, is a great mom, and has a loving family: the girl who just has it all. For example, often people ask me: “Why do you work out, you look great!” I don’t work out to look good, I work out because it is my second best tool to managing chronic pain and anxiety. I obviously, never go into detail as to why I adore exercise because people would not understand and I honestly do not have the…

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