Life

Open water

Sorry it’s been awhile, the fog of term papers has lifted.

 

I can see!

 

Sadly I just see more fog… I thought maybe going back to school would energize me somehow.

And it has, I have never been so excited or interested in what I’ve been learning, but it didn’t shake my fatigue. I don’t know why I thought it would. Obviously it wasn’t going to be the magic cure to lift my depression and chronic pain…  I feel like I am swimming upstream. I mean I am swimming with purpose, and an end goal… but I still feel my arms lagging… my legs dragging…

For me chronic pain is always there. It lurks around corners, and fuzzes up my subconscious. It steals my memory, and my joy. It steals my focus, and my dreams. Well whatever dreams are left after the meds have at them. It’s like being stranded in open-ocean. You have to keep swimming; there really isn’t any other choice. You can’t stop even for a second or you will drown. When you succumb to the tired, to the aches and pains and fear, it will swallow you instantly.

But how do you ever rest if you can’t stop? How do you ever recover and recuperate if even slowing down brings the water over your nose? This is my struggle every day, by the end a day at work I can feel my nose slowly dipping, starting to aspirate the water of my surroundings, starting to drown in stimulation that my body can’t process. Last week after my night class I had to pull the car over 3 times on the drive home, due to nausea, and fear, and just.. IT.  It rules my life, it rules my every waking thought and I’m so bored with it!

I know I’m pushing myself too hard, not giving my body any breaks, any compassion. I’m trying to show it who’s boss.. but I’m learning that IT is the boss. I do not have any say over it. I can only ride the ups and downs and try to hold on to something until the waves settle.

I had another cigarette today. I smoked a whole pack last week as I  broke down the day my paper was due and bought a pack.. then just never had the will power to throw it away. Today’s was the last one in the pack though.

Today starts another round of see how long I can last.

I want to quit already.

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