Falling behind : The Fear of the future

So this week has been really hard for me. I’m still battling this demon living in my ears and sinuses 😦

Tips for an ear infection:

1) Don’t get one


3) if 1) & 2) fail.. just shoot yourself now

4) If shooting is not an option – try nasal washes, percocets, and starting University while having your work responsibilities tripled. If that didn’t turn shooting back into an option.. well then you might have to *GASP* stay home! and **Double gasp!** Sleep! (But don’t be alarmed when this doesn’t help either.)

This ear thing has been growing since New Years which has put me quite on edge. That coupled with being back in University, and having my boss return from a month-long trip to Mexico, and tripling my workload .. means that Sunday we went out for dinner and.. needless to say it did not go well…

We were at dinner with friends, and we received news that a friend had hung herself. This kind of put a damper on our evening (understandably) and we went home. A and I started talking about mental health and suicide and just.. I don’t know.. I just lost it. He was doing typical victim blaming behavior and I kept trying to explain that “You know not everyone has the choice with these things, some people just physically cannot cope.” ARG and he just kept on in his patronizing way that “Well when we have kids, I will just put their safety first, that woman is just selfish, you just have to choose your kids”

And for some reason this just made me lose it. I ended up having a full-blown panic attack, the after effects I am still feeling today. Trying to explain why someone I barely knew would kill herself when she has 2 young babies and a loving husband and a (from outside view) pretty perfect life, was impossible, and A’s determination to just brush it off as selfishness on the part of the mother.. I don’t know it just scared me. I thought.. “I already struggle with thoughts that I wont be able to cope with parenthood. That the stresses and demands will be too much on a system that thinks getting gas is too much to cope with sometimes.  And I don’t even HAVE kids yet!” I was scared that A’s insistence that this poor woman was just a horrible person, would carry over and that were we ever to have a family I would be deemed as selfish and lazy and horrible, just as he had deemed this woman he had never met. Why would he ever choose to have a family with me.. No one will want to have a family with me, I am just as broken and scared and lost as this poor woman, and she couldn’t even make it 3 years with her beautiful children before it got to be to much….How will I ever do it?

How do you broach the subject of a stress event with your partners/family/close friends? how do you attempt to explain what happened? Do you try to explain? How do you clear the air after a panic or stress attack that affects the others in your life?


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