Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die…..
I set my alar for 6, and then gave myself a full 30 min snooze. I reset all the phone alarms so I actually got a right amount of rest, and then I got up a bit early and had a shower.
A made me eggs avocado and toast, and with a little bit of apple juice and the new knowledge that I am a human being and I get to take a coffee break AND a lunch break, I skipped off to work.
My talk with my boss went really well Friday. I told him I had been having a really hard time overcoming my anxieties in the morning because I had let my routine lag, and since I wasn’t taking any breaks I was just powering through and suffering pretty decent panic attacks for it. I also explained about all the new CP appointments and we came to a very reasonable agreement, where if I call in a temp I will be docked the hours, but no more, and that my boss will have a chat with the owners on getting a permanent lunch hour put in place so that I do not have to deal with feeling guilty for taking a break.
Despite the fact that I leaked a few tears, I generally held my cool, and he was really reasonable. I made sure to tell him that I knew the important thing was for the office to have as little disruption as possible, but I also made it clear that my health is my #1 priority right now, and with each of these appointments being around $150 a pop, even paying for a temp outright would be cheaper than trying to see all these specialists on my own.
And again he was super reasonable about it. As if I was just another human being asking for her federally mandated lunch hour back…. weird right.
Well today is going alright. Not super but not devastating either (Like last monday oi!)
There are a few major hurdles before me this week….
BUT let’s skip that for now and start with the good.
1) I wrote a VERY hard email to a friend today. I do not presume she will respond, but doing the right thing and getting my feelings off my chest feels GOOD.
2) I started the day with an EMPTY inbox (because I was a good worker Friday :) ) and will have an empty one when I leave today.
3) I had an AMAZING weekend with my man. We went out: dinner with friends, then Dancing all night to Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings. Bit of a meltdown before leaving the house…. but we talked about why I was anxious.. and then made some plans to combat those anxieties.. then had a real good time.. Who woulda thunk it?
As for the bads… I have to go to my GP today to have her fill out a physician statement for my upcoming practicum. I am feeling very uneasy about the whole situation as last time I saw her she made me literally grovel for meds….. Also I am feeling a bit unsure of how to approach “coming out” to my teachers and the school, as a large portion of this physician statement is regarding mental health.
If I have her sign off.. does that mean I am signing away my rights to mental health support.. Do I go and fake an appointment and hide my fears so as to get a good report? If I don’t does that mean I can’t work with children? I know legally employers cannot discriminate because of mental health issues, but when it comes to children.. are the rules different? If I go in admitting I struggle with things others do not struggle with.. does that mean I can no longer participate?
This of course is why we need to push against the discrimination of mental illness, but do I want my career path to be the path I push this fight down?
A WP friend wrote a post today with a letter to her before-pain self and I thought it was high-time I did the same.
Dear Little L
You are so naïve and impressionable. You have been so sheltered from the real world, but not for much longer. You are starting to feel the repercussions of an adult life intruding on your carefree childish ways. You have been asking for help; but it is beyond their abilities to see your true self. No one will tell you this, but you are perfect the way you are. You are learning, and growing and still see the whole world ahead of you. I wish I could tell you that things will stay simple… I wish I could prepare you for how un-simple things will get…
I know your world has just changed. No one will tell you how or why; but even now you know that something is wrong with you.
No one will explain to you that it was natural. That you’ve done nothing wrong. That this thing that happend TO YOU, does not need to define you. No one will protect you from the rumors and gossip, no one will explain that this doesn’t make you less-than. That you are still whole, and beautiful and perfect.
But you are. No matter what they tell you, or how they make you feel; you will realize it one day.. you are still GOOD. DON’T LISTEN TO THEM…. You are also worthy of love. From this day on you hold in your heart that no one will take someone who is broken like you are.. Let that go.. Just be a kid, you still have time!
You will see one day how wrong they were, you WILL see that this thought-pattern is that of a scared and ashamed little girl, and not the truth. That the shame poured on to you from vengeful school kids is tought by vengeful parents. You don’t know this now, but even adults can be bullies…. Keep your head high little girl.
I know how scared and vulnerable you feel. You have been asking for help for so long now. Your body has become not your own; and your mind wants to badly to leave and find it. Before you even had a chance to explore this new growing body and try to reclaim it from the past; pain will come.. and it will come hard.
You do not deserve this. You did nothing TO deserve this. And the fact that no one will believe you or help you is NOT YOUR FAULT.
You’re feelings are still real, your worries are still valid, do not let them tell you otherwise. Stick up for yourself. I know you feel like you can’t; that you have tried and that you have been let down by everyone you know. You will let this shape your path for a while. And while this pain will follow you for the rest of your life; you need to know now Little L that it doesn’t have to.
I know you will try to deny this, to fight it.. and worst of all you will try to run from it. You cannot. You must accept this body with all it’s flaws and weaknesses. You must accept this beautiful shell that houses beautiful thoughts.. and you MUST never let any changes to that shell, steal those thoughts.
If I could go back in time it would be the one thing that I would need to let you know… You can run from this all you want but all you are doing is making yourself tired.. You are going to need that energy little one.. and you are wasting it trying to run from fate.
It hurts so much knowing that I cannot straighten your path. That I must let you follow the dark trails that will lead only to more pain… But Little L.. You will resurface. You will make the right choices (even if it takes you a while). Don’t give up! Keep forcing change, let those in your life who cannot see the truth leave, and do not hold their hate in your heart. You will find new supports, rocks, life rafts.. and you will one day realize that you deserved love and kindness the whole time. That those early markers.. don’t make you.. they may have helped shape you, but you can move past them. You can flourish, you can choose light over dark.
You DESERVE light over dark. You deserve an easy life not filled with pain and sadness and terror.. but you are going to have to fight for that reality. You are going to have to crawl, scrape and bleed to reach that normalcy and you will be knocked down time and again.. I wish I could tell you it get easier, but that would be a lie. It never gets easier. It gets harder and harder and harder, and then harder still. Your relationships, your job, your body, and your spirit will pay the price until one day there is nothing left of any of them. But when you reach that day you will see that even if everything else goes you still have your light. And that light will sprout new relationships, and jobs, and will allow your spirit to blossom again and your body to form new shoots. IT WILL. JUST GIVE IT TIME
But now.. just out of highschool and already telling yourself you are worthless, you do not deserve love, or kindness, or sympathy. You already feel you are nothing. And you are making choices that prove you are nothing because no one will tell you otherwise. I know you have lost everything you think defined your life, and I’m sorry to tell you it will be years before you realize that YOU define your life.
But YOU DO.. I PROMISE
It’s ok. Just breathe… This too shall pass… (or so they tell me)
So I have recently been accepted into the Chronic Pain centre here at St Paul’s Hospital.
I had my 3rd physio appointment today, and booked a session with an occupational therapist as well.
Oh physio…I never know how to feel about you.
Sure I understand that the “exercises” you’re giving me will help. But spending an hour with a woman who is beyond cheerful teach me how to nod my head for an hour is just so…. deflating.
I mean lessons on how to nod my head? How to breathe? Who needs a teacher for those things….
But on the bright side I did get some new tennis balls, and got to miss half-day of work…
Also I told a friend about my issues too soon into our relationship and now I’m feeling nervous as I haven’t heard back from her after my confession.. Anyone out there with tips on how and when to bring issues such as hela